Activated My Facebook ---- Nah, I Can't Relate

                It was in August that I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. It has been so addictive that I find it hard to control myself from checking my account every now and then. Even when I was sleeping and woke up in the middle of the night, the first thing I did was look for my phone and click the blue F application on the screen. It affected my work as well. I had more time Facebooking than doing my task for the day. Opps, sorry boss, now you know what I've been doing in the office, hehehe! Having  my Facebook active, personally, I felt like it's obligatory to let people know what I've been doing or feeling by posting photos or statuses on my wall. I felt like I had to comment or click the like button whenever I feel like it (and it's most of the time that I had this urge to do it). It had become a part of my system to check on how many likes I had or are there comments on the pictures I posted. My friend's participation on my wall has become my everyday anticipation. Count in the posts of friends on the Feeds, be it positive or negative, it affects the reader in one way or another. I have become so sensitive with every post especially those that I can relate to. And I don't like what's happening to me. I don't like how the mainstream of social media has affected the way I live my life. Thus, the reason for deactivating it.

            I tried my very best to control myself from accessing the application on both phones and laptop. I even hide the app on my smartphone since I cannot uninstall it. It was hard but with enough motivation in mind, I was able to do it. Friends were asking me why they cannot find me on their list and cannot tag me. Some even contacted my sister and asked how I have been and what happened to me. My friends' reactions were very funny. They even thought, I was sort of broken hearted or was annoyed with someone or I was in this "drama/emo" mode that I had to isolate myself from them through Facebook.   When I told them my reasons, I am not sure if they believe me, but atleast I stood firm in being out of the mainstream for the meantime.

                 

              There were actually advantages and disadvantages of being away from the mainstream social media. It seems that everyone who has Internet has Facebook. I was even told that: "Ikaw ramay babae nga akong nailhan nga dili magFacebook". I took it as a compliment but at the same time, I feel different from others, I don't even know if it's something good or bad. I am no longer updated with my friends' lives unless they tell me personally or when we get the chance to text or comment on Instagram. When we planned that Dumaguete trip with girl friends, they have to contact me through my mobile since they cannot chat with me over FB. Nevertheless, the travel was realized. There were activities or announcement in our SFC Community that I do not know unless they send Group Message through texts aside from posting it on our Group Page in  Facebook. My friend Mae, she used twitter to communicate with me through Direct Message, given the limited number of characters you can type. I feel like I am the only person she talked with over twitter. I know being away from the mainstream caused some of my friends the benefit of getting hassled just to reach out to me and honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I feel so special, I feel valued and I feel more human.

               It was only for two months that I deactivated my Facebook account but when I came logged back in, I feel it's like forever that I've been away. My profile is just the same, nothing has actually changed but I feel a lot has changed in me. Everytime I think of posting something, like a status, I have to think, do I really need to post this? What does it do to other people? What does it do to me? Nothing really. It does not change the world. I just feel I am giving other people the idea what's up in my life even if it's nonsense. This morning, I had the urge to post something like: Why this feeling ----- I can't relate? I actually posted it but deleted it after awhile. I really felt I cannot relate (for now) with the FB world.

            I am not saying Facebook is bad. It has helped a lot of people, communication-wise. What I am writing here is my personal experience. Infairness, being away from the mainstream social media has done a lot of things for me. Instead of wasting my time scrolling on my Facebook Home page and stalking, well uhm, checking out on what's happening on my friends lives, I was able to discover the benefit of youtube and find inspirational videos like that of TEDx, DIYs, and many more. I also read blogs that are informative and useful. 

    

             There's actually more to life! Do not be so dependent on social medias and rely on the likes and comments of other people on your statuses. Soliciting affirmation? That's sad. Go out and talk with your friends in person. Reach out to them not only through chats and video calls but meet up with them, have a cup of coffee or eat out. Life is beautiful. It is really beautiful when you come to terms to live it the personal way and not the cyber/virtual kind of way.

Stop The Cycle

These words simply strikes the core of me: "The universe puts people in our path to test us, to trigger us, to give us opportunities to evolve past out old wounds, blockages, and insecurities. If you can learn the lesson from these catalysts, you will evolve. Or, you can choose to keep repeating your karma."

Someone is doing a come back. He used to be one of those person who wounded me and brought out the insecurities in me. The person who I thought would build me up but instead did the opposite. It has been three long years and I thought it was over and I have finally moved on. Until one day, he decided to come back, became friends and expressed affection and attention. I, honestly, am overwhelmed with the idea that someone is making me feel special and I like to enjoy it even to the expense of hurting his feelings. I am aware that I have effects on him and he assumed that I still am inlove with him which I don't know really how I feel about him.

The thing is I don't wanna repeat the same karma over and over again. What happened to us was not a one-time event or moment but in the past, our relation was like a cycle. He hurt me, I hurt him, we broke up, reconciled, made up and then broke up. But then again, it's been three years and people change. Really? It takes a lot of effort and courage but I don't think he has that. Well, I don't believe much in "people change" phrase. Lol. Anyways, let's just see what happens next. 
I surely have learned my lessons well. I just look forward to the day when I can say I am totally over him. For now, stop the cycle. 

*happened and written around February of 2014

That Question: What Was My Biggest Achievement

"What Was My Biggest Achievement?" was a question I read from my news feeds. (It's from a friend whom I owe big for helping me with my thesis, back in college).
I pondered and asked myself, so far, what's my biggest achievement? There are actually many things, I can think of, that I have accomplished in the past and some are yet to be done (crossing my fingers). For me, a person can consider one of his greatest achievement in life is to be able to find great friends. These are people who stayed beside you through thick and thin, people who help you become a better person, people who never leave your side despite distance and time constraints, people who wishes you the best in life, people who are born from different parents but let's you feel that you are family. These are people who help you in nourishing yourself as a whole. As I think of the the people I made friends with and who has become a part of me and help me become the person that I am, I feel such achievement for finding treasures. In this imperfect world, we cannot expect to find perfect people but instead look for people with good hearts and intentions that can make you love the life you live, and that's perfect enough. :)

BuBye LongHair! Oh Hellow there ShortHair

I've been getting reactions from the recent decision I made: cutting my hair short. You see, I've been having long hair for the past years and people used to see me with a hair not shorter than my shoulder. When I decided to cut my hair short, it was out of impulse. Oh, well, not really. I've been thinking about cutting my hair since I feel so warm and I've been tired combing and tying it up. Plus the hairfall and split ends were, duh, annoying already. One Sunday afternoon, I just decided it that way. Went to the Hair Salon, asked how would i like my hair be cut, I just said: Anything as long as it's above my shoulder. When I telling the lady how I want my hair done, I wasn't thinking about how I would look like after, will I look good or not or how my friends would react to it to seeing me having short hair for the first time (in a long time). My hair wasn't rebonded so I was expecting the "natural-wavy" hair would show off it's talent. But other than that, I wasn't really thinking about the outcome, inshort, I don't care. All I care was to have my hair cut and that's it. 

Then, I went to work that evening and some of my friends in the office ask: What happened?! Oh, new look! Why? All sorts of reactions were flooding: Why did you cut your hair? Did you get your heart broken-hearted? Are you desperate? Why, why did you cut your hair short? Are you going through some bad and tough times? What's wrong? What did you eat, why decide to cut your hair? You look younger. You know what, you look mature. That hair makes you look 10 years older. You're like that of the girls in the '60's. You look different. Something's has changed. You should have your hair rebonded. You better shampoo everyday so that it will grow faster. 

Getting and hearing all these reactions should make me think: Have I made the wrong decision? Am I ugly with this hair and they just can't say it upfront? Do I really look someone desperate? But no. I feel like I have freed myself from a box of what is conventional, I feel free to do what I want and not minding what other's might say, I have freed myself from insecurities, I feel that I can do more than just cutting my hair, I feel I am myself and I feel I can be more who I want to be. 

I am 25 and perhaps I am at the stage of my life where I want change. Yes, CHANGE. It's part of the ritual to start something new by doing something different and cutting my hair is one way. Whatever it's called, I feel it does a lot better to me. 

Waking Up and Starting A New

All my plans just seemed to crumble down. It is depressing seeing it under my feet. But just like any mature person would do, while I am gifted with both feet and hands, I'm gonna bend down and pick up the pieces. The pieces of me which has been broken due to failures, mistakes and wrong decisions.

I have failed in so may times and in so many ways, I have seen myself rise up. Why not do it again, I don't think I have another option to choose if I wanted things to be well for myself. I am not saying I am already a veteran when it comes to dealing with stress and challenges. Given my age, I still have a lot of rice to eat. But I will surely not let myself curl up on one end and do nothing. I must do something.

I guess I have given myself enough time to get savor the taste of disappointment, sadness, depression, and staying stagnant, not doing anything. It's time to get back to track. I just needed a push, an inspiration and probably divine intervention too and I think I have enough of it. After pondering about how my life has been, it was a wake up call then.

It's like seeing myself waking up after a long sleep. Now, I am refreshed and ready to start a new. To everything that has happen, good or bad, to people who's been there for me to witness my ups and downs and who caused some of it, I say to you Thank You.

The Enemy in Me

I just hate the thought of me giving up on something I know would give me real happiness. I hate it when I am weakened and fail to do the things that would direct me to where I should be real heading. I hate it when I cannot overcome challenges and battles that come along my way. I hate it when I am defeated, not by somebody else, but myself. I hate it when I get tired of fighting and just lose the string of hope that I hold. I hate it when my enemy is Myself. 


I have come to terms that in order to overcome the enemy in Me, I have to befriend it. Know its likes and dislikes. Study the art of taming it. Learning what it loves and what it hates. Listening to it could be a good start. Allowing it to capture me in a way that I would know how it could perform its tactics on me...the tactic of influencing and maneuvering the way I live my life. I could not afford to allow it to take over my being. Lastly, I could not just consider it an IT in my life because from the very start, it has always been a ME. It has always been MYSELF. It has always been I.

When I suddenly want to have a Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Cancer Book

   
   
    Chicken Soup for the Soul is one of my favorite book. It has different stories and topics, there's for Mom, Dad, Friends, Teens, Grandparents, all sorts of people. It's something that makes you realize a lot of things specially about Life, it inspires you with stories, motivates you, and encourages you. Indeed it is a powerful book that could help people change their perspective in life.
   
    It has become a habit that whenever I go to a Mall alone, I would stop at some Bookstore and start skimming and scanning the books. I would spend an hour or more reading some of it for free :D. Once I passed by the Inspirational corner and saw this Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Cancer Book and thought, this would be a nice gift for my cousin, Ate Sharon, since she loves to read and at that time she was also diagnosed with Leukemia. It might help her get some strength and inspiration. One time when we visited Ate at her house, I asked her if she still wants or can read books, she answered she cannot read no more since her eyesight gets blurry already, due to her illness. I decided not to buy the book.

    A few months after, my brother was diagnosed with Lymphoma, a cancer in the lymphatic system. I felt so down knowing that my brother, in his young age of 21 has cancer. I asked, why of all sickness, it's cancer? Why of all people, my brother? We were sadden when we find out about my cousin's Leukemia and now my brother with lymphoma. Was this a coincidence? Was this hereditary? Does cancer runs in every blood of every generation in the family? Why us? Why? So many questions, but it boils down to one and the same answer: ACCEPTANCE.

       I never thought of buying myself the book, Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Cancer Book. I never thought of having the need to read it. Maybe my first Chicken Soup book would be something like that of a relationships, friends, being single. Sort of books that I can relate myself into. But a Cancer Book? Maybe I would buy it for other people but not for myself. Then all of a sudden, I just woke up one morning, wanting to buy one.

    And I am so proud that my first Chicken Soup for the Soul book is the one I have: Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Cancer Book.